v'reishit

I launched my fashion blog Fated To Be Hated on October 11th, 2010, ten years ago today. My heart was broken by someone who made me feel replaceable. My anguish toward the experience of having been discarded as an object of fascination propelled me to distinguish myself by evolving into different characters, attracting new attentions. Through this investment in expression I not only distracted myself from the trauma of severance, but I gave myself an affirmative associated Experience to Remember every time I returned to this place in the Spiral of Time. I created evidence for myself to fall back on -- proof that when injured, I heal. This trust that I have in myself to Speak Louder when I am silenced is supported by a parallel trust I have in the world to take my message seriously, to abandon me, and to return me Wounded to this junction. You saw me then; you will hear me now. 

As a seventeen year old, I consciously sought to be Recognized as someone with devoted Recognition. I wanted to glow with such a light that I could be observed from other cities, states, countries, continents -- but I needed to be more visible than I was to participate in Gazes. This internally sourced hunger for stardom was discounted as an externally motivated lust for fame, something easily written off with the pitiful condescension assigned to a fear of death or borderline personality. But the desire to have one's color parsed from other spectra is not obsessive or attached or even vain. It is self-respecting. 

My first post was appropriately titled "Renaissance," a word that describes every successive beginning after Creation. I uploaded one picture, a flash photo of my brown eye. Unbeknownst to me then, we had just entered Hebrew new year 5771, a solar return characterized by its status as the First Repetition in the Hebrew decade of Ayin. "Ayin" is the 17th letter of the Hebrew alphabet, and it corresponds to the numerical unit 70, which can be combined with other letters to indicate larger sets of itself. Ayin is not only a letter, it is also a word. It means "eye." 5770-5779 was a ten-year span symbolized by the 70s of Seeing. 

At the time of publishing my final post on FTBH in 2015, I did not know it would be the last one. I did not plan to stop blogging. My look was titled "Eye Can't See Me" -- I wore a camouflage blouse and graphic t-shirt decorated in eyes. That day I had written about a sensation of corporeal disobedience that was sabotaging my efforts to write. One could only assume, after having read those tortured sentiments over the dial tone emanating from an abandoned handset, that I had at last Gone Under.

Indeed I went Under. I also went Behind, Around and eventually Through. I made my Point, and as it sparkled at the edges like sharp corners of a cut crystal, a Receiver signaled back to me that with mission complete it was time to rest. I realized I was Blind, but because I was Blind I could not see how so.  

What you are reading today took two weeks to express and ten years to know. The date is October 11th, 2020. We have just entered the Hebrew year 5781, the First Repetition in the Hebrew decade of Pei. "Pei" is the 18th letter of the Hebrew alphabet, and it corresponds to the numerical unit 80. Pei, like the letter Ayin, is also a word for a body part. It means "mouth." 5780-5789 is and will continue to be a ten-year span symbolized by the 80s of Oration. 

In Hebrew, "Or" means Light. It is a root sound that has long captivated my interest. It is present in Torah, torus, spore, gory, aura, chorus, core and more. In English, "ore" is a type of rock from which smaller traces of valuable minerals and metals can be extracted. An "oar" is an asymmetrical paddle with one broad, flat end used to push against water. "Or" as a conjunction indicates greater than one option, even if the other option is nullifying. The latter three definitions of the same phonetic sound share a common theme; Difference. Ore contains distinguished sediments. An oar is an instrument for changing location. Or establishes an alternative to One. But in Hebrew, "Or" translates to that which makes Difference detectable. 

Light shines. The word "shine" can be elucidated using Hebrew root correspondences -- "shel" for sh, and "ayin" for ine.  This means "belonging to the eye." Languages may each operate according to their own rules, but all are subject to the same physics of vibration that make them audible and then transcribable. Speech precedes Text, and Vibration precedes Speech. 

As this post is being automatically uploaded for a scheduled publication, I will be on my way to the synagogue. It is the 23rd day of Hebrew month Tishrei, and one decade from the genesis of my first blog, I am launching Another. 

It only takes repeating One Once to generate Two. Now we also have three, five, eight, thirteen. That my first blog came not at the immediate advent of the Hebrew 70s but after one complete cycle around the sun is important. It is only after experiencing an Intensity that it can be Described. What has not yet been endured cannot be explained. In other words, Oration requires that something exists before it can be exposed, because Oration is an event in which the mouth casts light. 

In casting light a feature is revealed, but only if one has eyes, and only if those eyes can see. A revealed feature can be kept and anticipated. Its recognition Out Of Repetition directs flows and changes velocities. As Fate would Halve it, it is in this state of interaction that our throbbing goraleinu is Made.

By today I will have Received every Letter from the Emissary Alephate at least once. Now I am Sending Notice of the Recognized Sequence with the debut of my Corresponding title. My intention with this blog is familiar but refined. In the year 5781 I need not be recognized; my duty is to recognize. Where once I showed you Outfits, I will now tell you of Clothes. This is a blog about beginnings and endings, trap doors in time, secret tubes, sleep genies, pipe jesters. This is psylogossip for mycoinfluencers. This is a Riemann surfaced rumor mill. Your ceiling is mycelium. 

Wall in Jerusalem, December 2010

Comic from a January 1998 chemistry magazine

If you are on this page for any reason at all, please stay tuned to it. I have a story to tell specifically You, and if you are not here, no One will hear. 

Take it from me,

Bebe